Fourth Chemo Treatment

I had my fourth chemo treatment on December 9, 2009. I am happy to say everything went great. This time I put my Lidocaine cream on when I was on my way to Chemo, so it would not wear out this time, and it worked. It did not hurt when they put the needle in, I told the nurse Tonya, who inserted the needle, that I want her to do it every time. Now was it the way she did it or the cream or both, I just know she caused me no pain. I also had no reaction again to the Taxateer Drug and that is a very good thing.

My sister Jeni came up with some homemade chocolate chip cookies for all the nurses and patients who wanted some, oh how they love us! ha. I am hoping to bake my famous Cowboy cookies and take some up before Christmas, they so deserve it!

They told me how I do with the first chemo treatment will be how I should do each time, and they were right. Actually the last two have been better. I do get weaker and tired and it takes me 8 to 10 days to feel really good again. I can do light housework, laundry, just so I do not over due at all. The worst part to me is when I lose my taste buds, ugh, and I have to eat and nothing taste good you just feel yuk!!! But at least I do not get real sick so I am very fortunate, it just is not any fun!!! My Doctor says I am doing really good and the Chemo is working so that is great!

I wanted to share with you this information. There's a Test to Find Out Your Risk.....in getting Breast or Ovarian cancer if it runs in your family. It's called BRACAnalysis, it is a blood test that lets you know if you have the gene. There is also a great video that is about 10 minutes long. It does not run in my family, but how did I get it, I do not know, like all the others that it did not run in their families either. My Doctor says this is an expensive test that runs between $2,000 and $3,000 dollars. If it runs in your family it would be worth it so you could be prepared. If not, you need to do your monthly self-exams and get checked by your Doctor regularly. More and more young women in there twenties are getting Breast Cancer and it spreads quicker the younger you are. Be prepared and catch it early, so much easier on you and your life. This website is : www.bracnow.com

I have to THANK YOU ALL for your continued love and support, your donations and wonderful prayers that help me in my every day life!!! You all are wonderful and I am glad I can touch your lives also, life is short, let us enjoy the time we have,I have this trial I must go through, I know not why, I know it has made me a stronger person and I have always loved people but I will look at them a little differently now. Wondering who might be going through what I am or something similar, we all need each other and big smiles, be kind to those you meet and be patient with those that drive on the streets with us.

Have a Wonderful and Safe Holiday, Merry Christmas and a Very Happy New Year!!!!!!

Love, Debbie

Third Chemo Treatment

It was my first time to use the PowerPort since my surgery to do my Chemo. No more going through my veins. That morning I had applied my Lidocaine cream (deadens area where needle will go into PowerPort) and from the time I put it on that morning until I was suppose to have been seen, 2 hours had passed. I believe the cream had worn off by then.

When they went to put the needle in it was thicker and bigger than I thought and hoped it would be, so it did hurt for those few seconds going in. Not unbearable, it was much better than using the IV. It hurt a little as it was pulled out.

Everything went smoothly, I did not have the reaction with the Taxeteer drug this time and I was so happy! I know all those prayers are working for me. My mom and sister Jeni were up there supporting me which I love them for. Tia Nowitzky made her famous homemade brownies for us, nurses and patients, and oh how they love us, ha! Now we really have them spoiled. I so appreciate Tia for doing this again, she is such a busy woman herself.

I am feeling the normal weakness in my body not quite as bad as last time. I have to eat when I am hungry and it is always hard trying to figure out what will satisfy me at that time. I hate this part. But I am doing pretty good it usually takes me 10 days to feel really good. I try and be very positive about this and I know that helps me a lot too. I gargle with my baking soda and water 4 times a day and I have never got any sores in my mouth yet, yeah!

My cousin Tanda Bernal (on my dad's side) gave me some wonderful advice which has become my little motto. She said,"Hold your head high, hair or no hair" I loved the part about holding my head high, and I do when ever I go out I walk with my head high.

You all have given me such inspiration on my blog here and on my facebook. You make me feel wonderful inside and you give me such strength that helps me get through these harder times. I appreciate everyone's comments and prayers that have helped me so far, you truly have touched my heart so deeply!!!!

Family Fun

Just some average days in my life!

Thoughts on Breast Cancer

Quote from Harry S. Truman:"A pessimist is one who makes difficulties of his opportunities, and an optimist is one who makes opportunities of his difficulties."

"Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles--it empties today of its strength."
Author Unknown

I liked this just changed a few things.

"I am a person who is living with cancer, not dying from it. I refuse to let this experience take over my life. I am a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a grandmother, a niece, a aunt, a great aunt, a cousin, a friend. I may have breast cancer, but breast cancer doesn't have me! I may not be able to be in control of the cancer, but I am in control of how I live my life, and I choose to make the most of each and every day God has given me. I'll take the time to experience the good things that life offers."

Everyone has trials in their lives. We can act one of two ways: We can feel sorry for ourselves, be angry, blame God for these trials, and spend all our energy asking why? Or we can take total control of our life and react in a positive way and accept that obstacles are a part of life and we can be happy and learn from this experience and share it and help others along the way so that they will be strong and not so afraid.

I am so thankful for all my blessings and for my trials that strengthen me!!!

PowerPort Surgery

November 5, 2009 (Thursday) I had my surgery for my PowerPort, I was excited it was not the Metaport this is a newer version. The PowerPort is a implanted Port it is a new technology designed to accommodate Power-injected CECT scans (Contrast-Enhanced Computed Tomography scans)and IV therapy without having to undergo repeated needlesticks in your arm or wrist area.

It is a small device placed completely beneath your skin (in front of my right shoulder) in a short procedure (about an hour)It is a cylinder with a hollow space inside that is sealed by a soft top. It connects to a small, flexible tube called a catheter that is inserted inside one of the large central veins that deliver blood to your heart. When a special needle is put into the soft top of the PowerPort device, it creates "access" to your bloodstream, meaning that medications and fluids can be given and blood samples drawn. It is triangular in shape with three bumps called Palpation Points on the top of the port(mine is purple). So this is where I will receive my Chemo and blood work. You can keep these in for years some people all their lives depending what they are having done. It will make life easier.

When I went in for surgery I found out I would not have to go all the way under I was so happy. My Doctor was a Doctor Hein, he was young and very nice, he explained how exactly they were doing this and showed me what it looked like. Any bad effects were very rare, he mentioned to make one thing a hundred percent proof is that I would have to "HUM" when he asked me. That would make sure all air was out of tiny tubing (catheter). Well one of the guys says he would be giving me the "Margarita" to make me sleepy. I remember they were ready to start and I was talking away, all I can remember doing was talking and then I remember him asking me at one point to take a deep breath and then "HUM". I then remember asking if he had any children, I believe he said 2 boys, I mentioned my kids and grand kids, I could feel him doing something (no pain) and then him saying "Okay we are done" I was like "What, it feels like it has only been 10 minutes". Boy I do not know if I fell asleep or I just rambled on the whole time. My husband Sam said when he came to get him, the guy said "I gave her the equivalent of 4 Margaritas but she just kept talking". How embarrassing!!!! Those of you who know me will think that is hilarious I am sure! It was a great experience very easy surgery, I do have some discomfort and have had to take Tylenol but it is only suppose to last a few days. I had to wait 2 hours before going home to make sure no bleeding appeared or anything else, so I went home 2 hours later and I am very happy I will have no more IV's or blood work taken from my poor veins again!

Chemo Cut photos!

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Here's my new haircut! Hopefully we'll have a video up here soon; in the mean time, here are some photos.

Second Chemo Treatment

Yesterday October 28th I had my second Chemo treatment at Spohn Cancer Center. They are following exactly what I had done at MD Anderson. I had the same reaction again to that Docetaxel (Taxotere)I started feeling funny in my face I could feel it barely starting to have that flush feeling. I told the nurse and she immediately stopped it, and they called the Doctor. He had them give me a steroid and Benadryl like last time and had to wait 30 minutes before giving it to me again. I did fine then,so I hope that doesn't happen every time or that is what they will have to do each time.

I will be getting a Meta port before my next Chemo. They put it in front of your shoulder it goes under your skin and that is where they will put all your medication through, so your veins do not get ruined. And I will probably keep it there all year because I will be receiving the Herceptin for a year. It makes it a lot easier for them and me. Otherwise everything went fine, my nurses were absolutely great and so funny.

My mother had taken me to my Chemo appointment and then my sister and wonderful friend Tia Nowitzky who happens to be a OBGYN and has delivered 2 of my grand kids. They came up to relieve my mother she was really tired that day, so they visited with me and brought me lunch with these huge cookies from a place called "Hesters" that we shared with the Nurses and patients, which they loved. One Nurse said "When are you and your friend coming back again so I can diet first next time." Since it was my Birthday the day before Tia had brought me 3 beautiful scarfs for my head, a pretty silver bracelet with Cancer thoughts on it, and 2 really nice books one about "The Year My Mother Was Bald" it is actually for 8-13yrs that helped her to explain to her kids about cancer, very cute.

Then "Nordie's at Noon, the personal stories of four women "too young" for breast cancer. That was very sweet of her!!!! We had a lot of fun visiting, she GAVE me some good advise about not over doing, or maybe she was scolding me.ha! Then my husband came up and brought me that new Suzanne Sommers book on Cancer. So I have lots of reading to do. He took me home later and we went out to eat.

I take Zofran (for nausea) that evening and then for 2 days twice a day and I had no nausea the first time around and so far so good. Then they gave me the steroid Dexamethasone I take the next day for 2 days twice a day.

Some ADVICE I would like to give: Please do not ask cancer patients personal questions, they will tell you what information they want you to know. Be sensitive to what people are going through it is hard enough to deal in their minds everything that is going to happen and some things are just very personal. And please do not tell the stories of Breast Cancer friends or family members who have died from this. Luckily I am a strong person and just let it go over my head but not all people are like that. So Please think before you decide to tell a story, make it a positive one not of someone dying. We have to have hope and be positive, they are doing wonderful things for people now and people are living long normal lives. I know to live a long life and recover you have to be a Positive and happy person and exercise the rest of your life and serve others most of all do not just think of yourself.

I will be going to a support group 1 or 2 times a month. I met a lady downstairs over that and I told her about my website she thought it was great. She fell in love with my attitude and wants me to come to some meetings and help others which in turn they will help me also, so I look forward to going to my first meeting. She also mentioned about helping promoting my website. Oh the "gift of gab" can be such a wonderful thing. ha.

Well my friends as usual I am just so grateful for all of you, I so FEEL your prayers I feel such strength in me I never thought possible of me, I never thought I could ever deal with this cancer the way I am, I totally surprise myself how positive I am, how I have helped people so far. I honestly know for a fact it is all the prayers and fasting that have helped me through this there is no other way, I thank you a million times over I will never forget the Love you have shown for me how much you all care that makes me so strong and want to fight so much harder and I will never give up that's for sure, I know I am going to be fine I feel it inside I feel so good! I Love you all so dearly.

Till Later, Love ya,

Debbie

Update on Chemo Treatment

I just wanted to let you know I will be getting my treatment now in Corpus Christi. The person who was helping me can no longer help me, so I can not afford to continue at MD Anderson. It is a wonderful place but very expensive. The girl who told me my Herceptin was $4,339.00, she called me and said she was $7,000.00 off, that it is $12,000.00. It would totally put me in financial debt to stay there, I will miss the people there, and if you can afford it, yes I highly recommend it, but my Doctor assures me they will do everything for me here. So I hope they will let me video and take pictures here, I am not sure yet. My next Chemo will be on October 28th,he had it scheduled for October 27th and I said oh that is my birthday, then he said "oh no we are not doing Chemo on your birthday." I thought that was nice but I really did not care. I still will have to go do my blood work that day, you always have blood work before Chemo. I pray that I will do just as good this next time, they tell me, how you do the first time is how you will probably do every time. The first week is the hardest, feeling real weak at first and getting tired so easy. So till then my friends I will be back with you soon.

I just wanted to express my THANKS to ALL of you again for your donations, to ALL of you who are friends of my family and friends and to ALL who are related to them also. To those who have heard of my site and have donated. I really really appreciate the love you have shown for me, it makes me feel so good inside to know people really care about me and what I am going through right now. Thank you so very much from the bottom of my heart!!!

The Kanzius Machine - A cancer cure?

This is pretty amazing. This research is going on right NOW at MD Anderson. If they are able to do what they are showing, this could cure almost any kind of cancer! The crazy thing is that the machine was invented by a guy who isn't even a doctor!

Episode 1: First Visit to MD Anderson

I had my first Chemo on Friday, Oct. 2nd. I had to be there at 11:30am, and they took me right into a room with a bed and TV. I get into bed and they give me some shots beforehand. Then going on 12:30 they put the IV in and start the first chemo medicine which is TRASTUZUMAB (Herceptin) they all have 2 names, this is the one I tested positive for the Her2 cancer cells, unfortunately this is a very expensive drug I take this every 3 weeks with Chemo and continue for a full year, this runs $4,439.00 a treatment, wow, it is suppose to be 100% effective in killing this cancer cell. I did fine with this drug.

The second chemo medicine was CARBOPLATIN (Paraplatin) one of the side effects was tingling, numbness and pain. I had a little tingling but the time I pushed the nurses button and she came it started to go away, so I had no problem with this one, they take 1 1/2 hrs. each.

The third chemo medicine is DOCETAXEL (Taxotere) this one after she gave me with in a very short time I felt my face just flushing and getting hot I told her right away and then I felt funny in my chest, but she had immediately stopped it, she said that is why I stayed in here longer up to 15 minutes she would have, because she said the majority of people have a reaction the first time. It was kind of scary she gave me a steroid and strong benedryl and redid it 30 minutes later and I had no problem then.

I had to go to the ladies room and you have to unplug this big circular stand with all your medicines and take a plug out from stand. So I am starting out in the hall and a nurse sees me and says "Oh are you looking for the bathrooms?" So I told her, "No, I am going home!" she laughed. Oh how I really would like to of gone home and would wake up from this dream still. But I think it will really become real when I have no hair, ha. Oh, my lunch was delicious. I had a Chicken salad sub on wheat bread and fresh fruit, it was impressive.

I got a shot 24 hours later PEGFILGRASTIM (Neulasta) to help in preventing or reducing the risk of infection while I am being treated with these cancer-fighting medicines. It stimulates the bone marrow to produce white blood cells (the cells responsible for fighting infection), boosting the body's immune system. So I will do this each time after Chemo.

I can not get sick at all, I can never have a temperature over 101 or I have to go to the emergency room or I can die. They were VERY specific about that. So I will miss a lot of functions this next 4 1/2 months as flu season and colds are all coming up, and I always get sore throats and colds so this is going to be very difficult and scary time for me, hopefully it will go by fast!

I do not have the energy I had before that is for sure, I can do things and then have to go rest, I tend to overdue still but I will learn fast. Nausea not to bad I have to eat when I am hungry. Your bones get a little sore, but I have medicine. I pray it doesn't get worse I want to start walking again, they say that is good. Before I know it I will be back there. Keep me in your prayers, oh how I FEEL them. THE FIGHT IS ON! And Debbie will WIN!!! Love you all!

A Mothers Love

I want to Publicly express my Thanks and Deep Love for my children. My son Steve Reed who has worked so hard to design this website for me and get it up and running. He is trying so hard to help me from the Vegas area where he lives. He is a very talented artist, and a very humble young man, whom I love with all my heart, and will never forget the love he has for me. He has a beautiful wife Sherese, and 2 precious daughters, Sariah and Alani.

My Beautiful daughters:
The oldest, Allison who is working on a fundraiser for me, which is up she is waiting for the link. They sell T-shirts, scrubs, etc..."Fight like a Girl" is the name on items. They get half and I get the other half to my fundraiser, the link will be posted here. She is trying so hard to help me from where she lives. She has a wonderful husband AJ and 3 of the cutest boys, Jacob, Deacon and Hunter. She wants to be here to help me but of course can not, so this is her way.

My middle daughter Kami who is visiting me from Utah (with her two precious children) and youngest Samantha have been grocery shopping, cooking meals and we all pitch in to clean, I have to be doing something. What love they do show for me. Kami has a wonderful husband Adam and little boy Jaden and a little girl sweet girl Ava, I have 7 of the most precious grand kids whom I love so very very much!!! Samantha is waiting for Prince Charming to come one day.

I have been blessed with the 4 most wonderful children who want to help their mother in any way, my heart is filled with joy and I am so proud of all of them!

One of my favorite quotes is:

You may have riches and wealth untold,
Caskets of jewels and baskets of gold,
But richer than I you will never be,
for I had a mother who read to me.

I want to change the last verse to:

for I have 4 children who truly love me,
And we will be together for All Eternity.

Which I truly did read to my children all the time and now I read to my grand kids!

My husband who wishes he could take this from me, my prince for 33 years this December, I love him very much and we will get through this and be stronger because of this trial.

There has been so much more help from my Parents, and my sister Jeni which I will be eternally grateful and many more family members who all want to be here to help but I have all their prayers, and what a powerful thing to have. I love my family with all my heart I just wanted you to know that.

The Results

Today I went to my Doctors appointment; he is always so nice and positive. He told me we would start Chemo on Friday and that I would need 6 treatments 3 weeks apart, which is about 4 1/2 months. So it should all be done around January. He saw two spots on my spine or bones, but he said he was not to concerned since the Chemo would kill them. He did schedule me for a Spinal X-ray that day, and a Bone Scan the next day. I have not heard anything on those yet, but I'm not too concerned since he didn't seem to be. Just as long as that Chemo kills it, I am happy!

Later on, he is going to remove a few lymph nodes near the breast, just to be safe, and then remove tumor when it has shrunk.

So that is where I am at right now, this will be a crazy year for me, I pray I do not get very sick and weak. I will have to learn to take it easy which is very very difficult for me, so I will need to learn to pace myself. 

Thanks to all my family and friends, I love you all very much~~~

Expressing Heartfelt Gratitude

Oh, how I want to THANK all of you who have donated to my cause, you have touched my heart so deeply!!! I wish I could personally thank each one of you, but there are so many of you that have responded. I am so blessed to have all of your support, and comments which make me feel so good inside. 

I laid in bed last night and wanted to cry, (happy tears) but instead held it in. And thought to myself "I have the most wonderful family and friends, How could I possibly not make it through this when I have all of you standing behind me and strengthening me!!! Thank you so much to those of you I do not even know, how wonderful and caring you people are.

I will always remember you and what you have done for me, I will always be ETERNALLY grateful to you all!!!

Love Always and Forever,

Debbie

Week 1 and 2: Diagnostic Tests

WED. 9-23-09 

My first visit started with checking in and filling out paperwork. Then I did some blood work and met with one of the surgeons, who was very young-looking and as sweet as could be. Then I met my Doctor, his name is Massimo Cristofanilli, he is so nice,happy and positive, the kind of Doctor any person would love to have, I am so happy I have someone like him.

THUR. 9-24-09 

Went to MD Anderson at 9:00am and had a Chest, PA & LAT X-ray. At 11:00AM I prepared for Cardiac injection, I had to drink 2 bottles of Contrast (Berry flavor) it was suppose to be the best. I had to drink one in the first 45 minutes, and then the other one the next 45 minutes. I was then taken to a small waiting room in the back with about 9 other women,they were all sitting there quietly. I went and sat down but after a while, I noticed that it was just too quiet for me. So I started a conversation with the girl next to me, then the lady on the other side of me started talking as well and before you knew it, I had everyone talking! The lady next to me has been in remission for 4 years, she goes once a year now. This young beautiful girl who has 2 children was waiting to have surgery (she was having a mastectomy). Another young girl I met who had 1 child, was on her second time around with Breast cancer but with a totally different type of cancer. She was so brave I was really impressed with her. Then there was the school teacher and the lady who sat in the corner reading her book. Me and the lady with the book got called out together, she never talked. I started to talk to her as we walked and she told me "I wasn't saying anything in there while you were talking, because mine is not a happy story." Her cancer has spread all over, I was so sad for her, I told her I have read so many stories of these women on these cancer sites that have been in 4th stage cancer who have lived. Then we had to go to our separate rooms for tests.

Do not ever give up, you have to fight all the way, even if you are not given much hope you still fight, because miracles can and do happen. We have to have faith, Heavenly Father has a plan for each of us and we have to do our part and be strong and most of all be positive.

If any one told me I would be like this, open and happy right now, I would have told them they were crazy. I have told people at the stores I shop at that I have Breast cancer it so easy for me to talk about this, it is actually great THERAPY. I am happy I can not explain it but I have had no fear, and I am scared to death of Hospitals. I know all the prayers and fasting from my family and friends have given me such strength that keeps pushing me on. Never keep something like this bottled up inside of you, because it will bring you down, and you need to be up beat and you need to talk to people, believe me it works. You feel so good, it is a trial you will get through with the support of family and friends! Why not have as many people praying for you as you can?

I had one more test that day, it was a CT Scan of Chest and Abdomen, this was a breeze.

FRI. 9-25-09 

I did an MRI, oh this was a crazy machine. They put ear plugs in my ears and I had to lay on my stomach, hands above my head and I laid my head on a triangular pad covered with a sheet,you could see the floor and window where technician was. Then I went into the BEAST and when they take pictures you cannot move at all. I would lay there 1 1/2 min. then 2 1/2 min. Then they would go to 6 1/2 to 8 1/2 minutes that felt like 25 minutes. It would get hot my head was killing me on the pad, face sweating, my left finger would go numb where the IV was. I had to sing songs in my head, go off to a Tropical Island in my mind, then the loud train horn sound would start and the clonking noise would bring me back into the machine. I prayed hard to make it through, I had to squeeze the ball in my hand once for them to stop once a picture was over, I had to pick up my head. It was a very hard test but not totally unbearable you have to stay in control in your mind.

Later the old mammograms, no pictures for this one. ha.

Headed for home on Friday, not expected back till Wednesday, but got a phone call and they wanted me back on Monday for Ultra Sound and biopsy so that is what I did today. It has been quite a week. There are the most wonderful people at MD Anderson all of them, they have been so nice and helpful so funny totally AWESOME! I love it here and I am getting the best treatment for me possible.

Life is great!

First Visit to MD Anderson

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Here are some photos from my first visit to MD Anderson!

The Beginning

September 2, 2009 I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer, they said it was Invasive Ductal Carcinoma, Stage 2. That's when this dream I thought I could wake up from all started, but it wasn't a dream.

I was scared and sad at the same time and thinking, "This doesn't run in my family how can this happen to me?" Well, I soon learned that many women who have Breast Cancer, it does not run in their families either. So basically anyone can get it.

I went to this first Doctor who then recommended me to an Oncologist. Two days later I went to see him. I did not have any blood work done yet, or x-rays. The Oncologist recommended that I have blood work and a full body scan. He then said he was going to start Chemotherapy the next week. I told this information to my sister, who told her good friend who happens to be good friends with a Radiology Oncologist. When he heard this he said, "NO, you tell her to go to MD Anderson," which is in Houston about 4 hrs. away from where I live. My sister called me that night told me this news which gave me some hope and made me feel as if a heavy black cloud was lifted off of me, and I was happy. I was so scared and like anyone, I wanted a second opinion. She told me that she would go with me, and my mother and I have a cousin who has offered to take me. My husband is self-employed and owns his own business and just started a new job. I new it would be hard for him to go. I told my sister to tell my husband what she told me, and I just cried, I was overwhelmed with information, yet so happy with the news as that is where I wanted to go in the first place; it seems many people from here go to MD Anderson.

So the next day, I got on the phone and called MD Anderson and had to go through some procedures first, having Doctors fax my information. I did get an appointment a week and a half later. I am so happy and thankful to my sister for looking out for me, she tends to do that for all the family, she doesn't settle for just anything. And we shouldn't either. Get a second opinion if you are not happy with what you here, do not settle for one opinion especially if you do not feel so sure about it. I also had a family member who offered to pay for this at the time, so everything worked out for me to go to MD Anderson.

My good friend Cheryl, who lives in Houston called me before I had my appointment and said I could stay with her anytime, that made me so happy, and she only lives 25 minutes from there.

I have been open about this to all my family and friends and this has really helped me to have all their support,love and prayers. It has made me a stronger person because I have shared my trial.

I don't know what lies ahead for me yet, I know it may not be easy, I have tried to prepare myself for things I may have to face and go through. I know I will be sad at times but not for long, I know my Heavenly Father will be with me through all of this and I pray for strength everyday. I will be positive and strong for my family, I will not let them down.

My Aunt Cheri sent me a quote by Brigham Young,

"Every trial we have in this life, is necessary for our salvation."

I've thought a lot about that quote and it makes me me feel good, I know I will be stronger from this trial and grow from it. I have 4 wonderful children, 3 of them married and 7 beautiful grand kids, so yes I will fight all the way, I have to much to do and see and have many more memories to make with my family and my precious grand kids and those yet to come. I still have one more beautiful daughter to see get married one day. I have so much to live for, so I will never give up and think there is no hope, I will be strong and positive and know that Heavenly Father is always there for me. I will never, ever, blame him for my trials. I love the quote, "I never said it would be easy, just that it would be worth it." For me, this is just the beginning; my trial has just begun.